I am so done.

Done with friends who think they can hide shit from me. Who don't trust to tell me things. "Friends" that think they can ignore me for a while and then just pop back into my life like nothing happened. I am done with friends that don't stick up for themselves. Friends who use me for information and then throw me under the bus.

I'm done with the funny, sweet guy who turns out to be an aggressive, horny jerk. Jerks that only want to use me. Jerks that mess with my feelings. I am done settling. I deserve better.





I really hope this works out. This meaning, you and I. Because you are beautiful. You are beautiful and creative and wonderful. And I would give anything to have you. As a friend. As a girlfriend. I don't care as long as you are a part of my life. What I mean to say is that.. I think I am falling for you.

I looked up photography schools for the hell of it and found an art school in San Fran :O We'll just have to wait and see.

I feel like I'm not good enough for any of you. You either use me, disappoint me, or completely shut me out. All of you do it. And you may think I'm making a big deal out of this but you're the one who's leaving me. You're the one that constantly bails on me. You're the one who never talks to me. And you're the one who breaks your promises. I'm not going to make the effort anymore. I know it's a two way street. But I'm tired of trying. It's your turn.


I hate procrastination. And the way it pulls me in. I hate waking up extra early to shower and get ready. Even more when I wake up late and miss class. I hate paying for tickets. I hate paying for almost anything. I hate the sun and its blinding rays of light. I hate being so stubborn and over analytical. I hate not knowing if analytical is a word. I hate the sound of crickets as I'm falling asleep. I hate your phases. I hate that black and while film photography is such an expensive hobby. I hate that you try and control my photography. I hate that it gets darker earlier. I hate the way I blow through my money. I hate feeling lonely. And insecure. And selfish. I hate that I can't move to Oregon now.. or anytime soon. I hate my manager. Her perfectionism drives us all insane. I hate what you did to us. Only she doesn't seem to care all that much. I hate the wind.

But I love the rain. I love that you finally chose. I love my co workers. I love having my Oregon dream to save up for. I love being single. Flirting and getting to know new people. I love shopping :X I love the extra hour of sleep. I love my way of photography, even if it's not your style. I love listening to you and knowing your problems. I didn't mean what I said before. I'm sorry. I love the night. I love typing out my thoughts and having deep conversations. I don't think I'll ever like the sun.. :D I love getting paychecks and knowing that I can buy things for myself. I love the way I look right after a shower. I feel pretty for a moment. And I love doing nothing sometimes. I love relaxing at home with no one in the house. Catching up on homework or reading a book. I love feeling close to someone. I love inside jokes and laughing until I can't breathe. I love doing something unexpected. I love when I am in my psychological mood and give amazing advice. I love making someone smile. Which then usually causes me to smile. I am happy for a moment. And even if things aren't going my way, I know everything will be okay.

I am so incredibly jealous. I can barely stand it.


I want you to know how absolutely beautiful you are.


I have two words for you: Emotionally unstable.

Why do people wish for realistic things? Like.. "I wish I could talk to him/her." Or.. "I wish I could tell you." Aren't wishes for UNrealistic things like a million dollars or world peace? It's annoying because you CAN talk to him or her. You CAN tell that person. You just choose to tell the world about your "problem" instead of confronting them.


As most of you know via Facebook, I got a second job at Styles for Less. However. Today, while I was working at Anchor Blue, the district store manager came in and Brenda found out that we are not allowed to get a second job in retail. As much as I prefer Syles clothing over AB clothing, AB pays better and has a better discount. I also don't know what I would do if I didn't work with Oscar and Shkari anymore. They are the coolest co workers I've ever had and always make my day. So I'm going to have to call Styles tomorrow...


I would like to have a friend that is actually there for me. For once.. Someone who doesn't need to ask what's wrong, but will rush over instead. Who will sit there and hold me if I'm crying. Who will bring me soup when I'm sick or ice cream when I feel like shit. Who will ask if there is anything they can do instead of saying, "I'm sorry.." I guess that is sort of asking for a lot.. Because I know how rare those types of friends are. It would just be nice.


Today is Jamie's birthday. She is 17 years old.

A: is for asshole. Big super giant asshole.

D: I hate the way you look. You just look like a bitch.

E: You're really cool. Please don't disappoint me like the others.

F: Who says you're welcome back?

G: And why the hell would you want to do something like that? If it's the reason I think it is, we are no longer friends.


I like my job. I don't WANT to work.. but I like it. JOB TWO, on its way.

Sometimes you just can't help it. But I can. I know my limits and I know that it's not okay.


...right?







I just over heard my mom and dad talking. I had no idea my dad needed surgery... but in order to do that, we'd be "living in a box" as my dad put it. :\

So I got hit this morning. I was driving to school down Marguerite and all of a sudden the person in front of me slams on their brakes and causes a whole chain of cars to do the same. The person behind me didn't stop soon enough and rammed into the back of my car. A dog had run into the middle of the street....... It wasn't a big hit and there was no damage so I didn't even pull over. Butttttttttt yeah. That was my eventful morning.


Random bits of info:

-Jamie has not been home for almost 3 days
-I have to go to traffic school for going 40mph in a 30mph zone
-I now work an average of 20 hours per week
-I am either going to pierce my lip or tongue (can't decide)
-The weather is beyond amazing
-My parents are going away for a weekend (sometime next month)
-If you have no plans for Halloween, my house is open (I'll post on facebook)
-2 + 2 = 4
-EDIT: I think I am sick... AGAIN. Fml.


:D

It's never going to happen, is it?




Tonight my mom and I talked about Austin. She cautioned me not to lead him on and what not and I reassured her that I wouldn't. Then she asked me if I was more into girls (she assumed I was). I told her that I honestly didn't know because there are those amazing qualities about a girl that I crave so often but there are also times when I want the qualities of a guy. I told her that I wish I could just have both. I feel comfortable in almost every way when I am with a girl. Emotionally, sexually, jokingly, lovingly, randomly... Maybe half of that with a guy. She said she knows how I feel and there are so many aspects and "catagories" to consider. She told me that whatever I feel more passion for is the gender I should choose. And that if I didn't, I would regret it. "I regreted it, Katie." After that she left my room and I wanted to cry. She was telling me that she had picked Bill over a woman. She had settled for what she thought was love over the passion she had with this woman.. And to think that she could've avoided all those years of pain and emotional stress. It makes me sad. But that just proves how each decision can affect our future and that, hopefully, I will make the right one.

(For those of you who didn't know this, my mom is bi...)

So the other day, Julia and I went to the mall and she noticed a poster when we walked in. She thought it was yet another vampire show. It was actually for a movie called The Vampire's Assistant. I saw a preview for it today and I noticed small writing on the top of the title that said: Cirque Du Freak. That was the first series I ever read. So I searched the actual trailer and watched the whole thing. It looks like it's going to suck.. mainly because John C. Reilly is the co-main character. I do not like him. But I'm still going to see it. Aaaaaaaaaand if a lot of people see it and it happens to suck, maybe they will get enough money to make the next one worth seeing. Like Twilight. HA.

Austin seems to like me a lot, but I have yet to romantically connect with him. If there is no spark, it's not likely that it will lead anywhere. Unfortunately, it seems to be leading more toward a friendship at the moment. However, I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt as I continue to get to know him.

Lizzie says meow.

Today I went to the movies with Claire. It was really nice to hang out with her after so long. We were supposed to see Jennifer's Body but it wasn't playing in Foothill so we saw (500) Days of Summer. It was amazing. And if I had the money, I would see it a million more times. It made me think about all that I've been through. How what I am doing right now is what I should have been doing all along. I want to find love so badly, and I know I will. Someday. So for now I will just take things as they come. I am happy.

I am :)

I am back in dance again. And it feels amazing. I am taking ballet and my own private class of whatever I want to do each week. So you will basically never see me on a Wednesday.. ever. But I love being busy. The busier I am, the less time I have to sit around and do nothing, and the healthier I'll be. You would think, Well that's still only once a week.. big deal. But I practice.. I LOVE to dance. So I'll do it. And ballet will defintely be an ass kicker for me. TIME TO GET INTO SHAPE! :]

(Lyndell is a great teacher if anyone is interested in classes. And you have many choices. Let me know!)

Orrrrrr if you wanted, we could bike and swim a lot together.. whoever is reading this :D


Wow, dancing puts me in such a good mood. Anyways! Like I've said a million times before, I am obsessed with photo. I've made a few friends too and everyone's pictures are turning out great. But I'm practically finished with the project and it is due in 3 weeks.. FREE TIME ON WEDNESDAYS?!

I want to go to Knotts Scary Farm sooooooo badly! Especially since I missed last year. But I need to plan it soon so I can ask for work off. So if anyone is up for it, let me know asap!

I hate being alone. Because all I want is love and affection. And I want it constantly. A steady, flowing river of love. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not good enough. My body isn't perfect, I don't practice Christianity, etc.. But I have never completely shattered. I refuse to let the emotional instability of others bring me down. Instead, I ask for advice and try to better myself. At least that is what I am trying to do and it seems to be working. Life has been alright for the moment and maybe love will find me soon. But for now, I need to learn to be patient and not attack every potential boyfriend or girlfriend. I just need to focus on me.

Work is going pretty well. I love that I can start buying a bunch of clothes now. I need clothes so badly. And with my 40% discount, you better believe that I will be spending the majority of my extra money there. Lol. Everyone I work with seems cool but I am known as the rookie. Haha. I get my first paycheck this Friday :)

Sooooo this guy named Austin asked me out on a date. I met him at a kickback a few weeks ago. We've been texting and he randomly decides to ask me out. He's not really my type but I'm going to give him a chance. I have no idea when it's happening but I think we're going to see a movie. Which is awesome because it's been way too long since I've been to the movies. I need to see so many things! (Claire!!! Jennifer's Body this weekend, right?)

Um. I really miss having a best friend. Someone I spend most of my time with, that I can trust and talk to about anything. Someone I feel comfortable telling things to and is understanding of my situations. I really really miss having a friendship like that. It's been far too long.

My mom called me fat again. It's really starting to get to me. I would rather just stop eating all together but I know that's not the route I should take. I eat pretty well for the most part, I just need to start exercising. It's always been my problem.. :\

Ugh! Why is it that when someone comes along, they are taken or an ex of a friend? It's so frustrating. I hate that stupid rule. Not that anyone really follows it anyways.. It's sort of shot to hell now a days. Whatever. Fml.


I wish it could be easy
Like a retro pop song
I want you want me
BOOM!
End of story

A:  A is for asshole. BIG SUPER GIANT ASSHOLE. You think you're the shit when you're JUST shit. I'm sorry but the world doesn't want to fuck you just because you're not a virgin anymore. And stop with the bitching and complaining about other people. Your step mom is stupid and you hate the people you work with.... no one cares anymore. It's just annoying. It's also hilarious when you threaten people because I have yet to see you act upon what you say. I mean... that's a main reason we didn't work out. Because you never followed through with anything. You are ALL TALK. And girls hate that. You also stopped caring. You stopped caring about anyone but yourself.. which came with being a cocky, arrogant asshole suddenly. So it's totally fine if you don't want to be around me. But don't drag Steven and Julia into it because you just make them look like they are the ones doing something wrong. No one wants the drama. Man up and confront me. (I wish he were actually going to read this)

B:  B was supposed to be for best friend.. You didn't stick up for me at all. You're always talking about how much of an asshole he is and when he tells everyone that he doesn't want to be around me and then you guys just leave..... it hurts. It really does. Because I stick up for you all the time and the other day we were establishing being best friends again. So I guess I'm just really confused..? I know your phone died, but that's really no excuse. Steven has a phone and you could have easily said something to them before you guys ditched us. Jordan and Sara are equally upset... more so at Adam though. I'm not really upset with you. I'm... disappointed.

C:  C is for our conversation. Remember? At the mall about a week ago? When we sat down and talked about how you have no respect for yourself.. Why did I think you could ever change? You won't. And that is unfortunate.

D:  (I can't think of a word for D..) But thank you Jordan and Sara. You two are really great friends. I love hanging out with you guys. Playing skipbo and eating pickles was way better than dealing with Adam's shit. We will be hanging out more often :)

Andddd thank you Sam and Carolyn for letting me rant to you about this whole thing. You guys are amazing <3

Everyone is freaking out.


Calm down.




It'll be fine.







I square<3

So I learned how to develop pictures and it's such an amazing feeling. I don't even understand why. But when I drop a blank sheet of photo paper into developer and watch my pictures come to life, I love it. And I couldn't be more happier because they are allowing one more semester of black and white photo. This was supposed to be the last semester but now I am allowed to take advanced black and white photo next semester. :) I only ended up developing two photos after learning the whole process and what not. I need to take more pictures this weekend and eventually develop 6 more. Ugh. This is most definitely a passion <3

I have been addicted to the beach lately. I'm constantly wanting to swim in the ocean and have bonfires every weekend. Wtf? I used to hate the beach during the day. I'd get all hot and sweaty. I wouldn't go in the water because I couldn't stand the salt and the sand would get everywhere. But suddenly I could care less. I love the waves and the salty breeze. And roasting weiners over a big flame with all my friends. :)




My mom was right. I am jealous.. of what you both have. But I am doing my best to ignore it and that seems to be working for the moment.

There is no greater feeling than this
This burning, this yearning, it's simple, it's bliss
Here we are, together for a change
It's my life you've rearranged
Now stay with me from now til forever
And you will be my precious treasure







I am happy, guys.

:)

I am sooooooo tired of the heat. And it doesn't help that my dad won't ever turn the air on.. I'm hoping we won't have to endure this nasty weather for much longer. (Niya, I am jealous!)

Things are going by fast. Like super rapid fast. I swear I was beginning my senior year yesterday and graduating elementary school the day before that. I SWEAR! And now I am a freshman.. in college. It's almost fucking Halloween already. Which is my favorite holiday :) I HAVE to go to Knotts Scary Farm this year since I missed it last year. I think Matt and I planned to go together but I can't remember. I still need a job though, so first things first.

Speaking of jobs, I HATE job searching. It's probably one of the worst things anyone ever has to do, especially in this shitty economy. I feel like I've applied everywhere and now I'm just reapplying because I still haven't found anything. I'm even resorting to the spectrum, as far as it is.

On another note, things have been alright in general. Tomorrow, I am hanging out with Julia for the first time in forever. Riiiiiiiight? I'm actually really excited because I've missed her craziness and I'm pretty sure she missed me too. We just needed a break.. :)

Adam and I have also been spending a lot of time together recently. We've been talking about getting back together so we'll see how that goes. He says he feels comfortable around me. But it's like.. a heightened comfortability. Like he isn't this comfortable around any other girl, I guess. I just need him to care about ME.

Oh. My. God. My fucking wisdom teeth are coming in and it HURTSSSSSS! :'( The pain gets more intense towards the end of the day and I just want to cry myself to sleep. We definitely do not have the money to get them removed so I don't know what the hell we're going to do. I don't even want a dentist looking at my teeth. They are so gross. And I blame my parents because every time I would get a cavity filled, we wouldn't have the money to get a crown on top and the filling would just fall out eventually. So I'm overly sensitive about my teeth.. If they don't get fixed soon, I won't even have teeth! :'( But.. it might just be cheeper to have fake teeth than to keep filling my cavities and have them fall out. Soooo maybe I prefer no teeth.. UGH.

Dillon Cheney and I aren't friends anymore. And I couldn't be happier. Last night, he talked all this shit on Rachel and then complained to me about her. I told him that it had nothing to do with me and he said that I shouldn't side with her. I told him that I can't handle people who get so easily upset and are this melodramatic. He responded with: "It's two faced fucks like you that drive me to depression and cutting." I flipped. I told him that he couldn't make me feel sorry for his poor decisions. And he said: "I don't blame you for my poor decisions, I blame you for giving me a reason to make them." I said: "I don't make you do shit. I cannot believe you actually blame others for your problems. That is so pathetic. YOU are pathetic." And that was the end of that. I simply refuse to be friends with people like that. People who are fake and blame others for the fucked up shit they do. People who get so angry, who theaten and cause unnecessary scenes. Ridiculous..

Soo the band Lights is playing a show in San Fransisco on November 4th and I kind of want to go.. ROAD TRIP! I think it would be so much fun to spend a few days there and see Lights. I would totally get grounded but I don't even care. I would do it. I want to gooooooo. :)